lost

i sit here with no emotion. lost in thoughts and fears. not knowing what to do with my self, but go and hid and maybe not come out for a long time. but what would that do? when sitting in the iuc this morning just thinking about what is going on and praying god gave me a picture. and it just reminded me how much i need to hold on to him and trust him. it was a picture of god leaning over the edge of a build. i was over the edge of this very tall building. he had one of my hands. he was holding onto with all that he had. he was telling, "trust me. give me your other hand and let me be the one that is in control. let me be your all." how true is this. how easy is it in this time to just allow my self e in control and not let god in control. how easy it for us to hold on to what we have, without even letting god in and have it. it is so easy for me to say that god is in control, but not really allow him to be in control and to trust.

i sit here as doctors walk by the room. they look ad then turn away ad leave. i am wait for the doctors to come in and give the update. my dad was able to here today, since he need to go to work. so today i am doctors briggs and will report to my dada when they are done. now it is just a metter of time before they come in.

brought in the new year with some GREAT friends and laughs. saw the best friend for the first time really since summer. and let just say that made my new years better then what i thought it was going to be. she is my other half. i am not sure what i would do if we were not friends. she doesn't judge me me, she loves me for who i am. she is always by my side when i have my ups and down. and i love her for who she is too.
she make me laugh.
she puts a smile on my face.
she make inside joke every time we are with each other.
she brings out the best in me.

not only was my new years spent with the best, it was spent with some great friends i would like to call summer staff friends. just seeing there faces again makes me happy. even though i didn't do summer staff i was still able to build some great relationships with the new summer staff and build up more on to relationships that i was with staff i already know. just being at camp with people i love, i forget what the real world is like. i wish life was as happy as it is when i am with them all.

as much as i would like to say that the new year was perfect, it was not. the new years still brought on the drama with the one and only mom. like it always does and always has. the new year once again ended and started the same way it did last year. but i guess that i just something i have to get use to and come to realization that somethings may never get better.

but even though there was drama i still had a great time with the people i love the most. i will forever love the best friend. she is the great. she is the chai tea of my life. [sharing is what we do]

.peace.