Life is a Journey

why is it that once things start to get back to normal, it is stripped away once again. when will i ever have that relationship back? i would kill to even have that 'friendship' that i thought we once had before. i would kill for the simple, 'i love you daughter'. i would have loved to have that women influence in my life when growing up that i could look up to.

just when i thought she was maybe back to 'normal', she had to change back to her old self. i HATE her old self. her old self doesn't have me in the picture. i like being apart of the picture of her life. but i am now put in a box that she is able to bring out when she wants. i don't like that. i feel like i am being used as a daughter when she does that.

whey did i have to grow up do fast? i was never able to enjoy my childhood. i was always worried about her. well, that hasn't changed too much. i wonder if i will be able to hear her voice the next day. i am not sure what i would do if i had to live without her voice. even though she has never been there for me, i still want to be able to hear her voice.

i hate being in these moods that she puts me in. i have been in this mood my whole life and would love to come out of my shell knowing that i can go through my day knowing that i don't have to worry about her. but will that ever happen? i have always been the mom. i thought that day did come, but that happiness was once again short lived and was stripped from me. now i am again left with the bad memories playing in my head over and over. i am felt with the hurt and disappointment. i am left with the crap part.

i so long to one day be off this 'roller coaster'. i have been on it for too long and need to move on. i need to be free!