i thought we had a good day? i miss those good days that we had. where we can just sit around, laugh and forget of all the crap you have put me through. we act as if none of that had happed today. it almost seemed as if we were in the past.

i know we are suppose to live our lives in the future not the past. how am i suppose to do that when i liked what went on in the past. how i missed when we hung out at night and watched a movie and played games. when i had smile on my face everyday! i liked it in the past when things didn't get between us or should i say nothing got between you.

know i go through my days wondering is this going to be your last. wondering are you going to be real or are you going to have a substance taking over your body and mind.

i miss when you were real. i miss when it was just me and you. not you and the substance. i miss when we were both happy.

everyday i pray that you will get better so you can be here for me. i know that you will never be able to take back all the missed times that you missed, but we can start fresh when you get better. ever since i was able to understand what was going on with you, i prayed that you would get better. i prayed that one day yours and my worries would go away. and that when you told me that you loved me and that i was your special gift from god, that i could take it to heart and that you would really mean it.

i just want you back. i want to the person back that loved me. the person that didn't call me mean names and said i was a mistake and just a burden. a waste of air. only if i know that you didn't mean what you said.

i still to this day pray and will always pray for you to get better. but from what i see prayer is just not enough right now. you need more. oh so much more.

cca-forest home

what a weekend. this was my first time doing cca and it was fun. loved the family that i had. i also learned a lot about the reason i didn't feel at the right place at first baptist. that was just something i was struggling with. i really wasn't sure what the real reasons on why i left but i now i figured it out. i realized at the things that a church is suppose to have, they didn't. I didn't feel like they were my family. i didn't feel like i had the i was shown love that a church shows. i was just really shown the reason why i left.

but the family i had was amazing. i had a baby and he was 3 months old. and his name is silas and he was a doll. i was the families first non-family babysitter. the first night silas really didn't want to sleep, so he didn't. we just played and he just cried a lot. the second night was better. we played and then he went to bed. i couldn't have asked for a better kid.






this is silas and he is 3 months old. he loves to play and stand.











silas loved just sitting in his boppy and talking.








Molly and I making sure the kids make is on the Zip Line and holding their stuff.










Molly and I love shakes right before dinner.









loves to eat his hands.









loves to think long and hard.

first babysitter and yeah, he is in a bear outfit

thoughts

some many things that are running through my mind. thoughts about what i am doing with my life and what i should do. not really sure what i should be doing with my life. the "norm" thing that we as people are suppose to do is go to high school and then go to college. but what if don't want to right now? well. i will then be looked down just because i don't want to go. i want to go to college but just not right now. there is so much i want to do and see. there is so much i feel god is calling me to do.

i have so much compassion for the people in the world. there are people in the world that die because they don't have clean water. they don't have food. they have things that just eat their body away. they don't have good health. they don't have the tools to get better. how can i sit here knowing that people are suffering everyday. and i am able to go to school and get an education. i am able to go to sleep at night knowing that i can wake up and know that everything is okay.

i want to be used in the world so i can help people. i hate when people are suffering. i hate to know that people are hurting. i hate to know that people are dieing ever day and that kids have to run away from their homes every night to stay safe, so they aren't taken. my heart breaks for those people.

i want to major in environmental studies/science and use it in way that i can help people. i want to see this world change. i want to be that person that makes a difference in peoples lives that need help. i want to love on the hurt and the broken. i can't be that person that just sits around knowing that we live in a broken world.

college hume weeked

best thing ever.
even though it was strange to be with a group that i didn't even know, it was just cool to sit back and look back on what is going on in my life.
i could not have asked for a better weekend at hume.
the speaker spoke to me so much.
the band was so awesome. they rocked.
i think i realized that hume is the place for me and that i am going to apply to work up there this summer coming up.
it is just so awesome up there.
so peaceful.
love it.

peace.

what am i doing.

so i am not sure what i am doing with my life right now. i have been given two different visions on life right now.
1. finishing up this one year at vc and then going to USF next and get a communications major and minor in urban setting. then tranfer to an art acadamy in san francisco.
2. finishing up my year at vc and then doing a dts. then go from there.

i'm really not sure what i should be doing with life right now. i know i only just finished up my second week of school but i am so ready to get out of there. i don't like it what so ever. i mean, i have met some really cool people, but vc is just not for me. my heart is some where else. and that some where else is not here.

i'm kind-of the person that needs to know everything that is going to happen, but i think god is trying to teach me that i need to take one day at a time so i don't miss anything in life.

ummmmm.

peace

best night/best moring

nothing like coming up with good ideas to do to people before they leave. so i came up with this idea that my friend courtney and i should tp our friend's jason's truck before he goes back to san francisco the next day.

- get to the house at 11:30 p.m
- 10+ rolls of tp
- getting his truck REALLY good
- someone we knows comes outside to leave
-run to our car to hide
- drive and chase the person we know for a good 45 minutes
- finding out that they know it was us
- getting a call from jason (he also knows that it was us)
- ended up going over to jasons house to hang out for about 2 hours
- now it is 2:15 a.m and i am home

nothing like finding out that they know it was us and them being out side the whole time we were circling the house. they wanted to try and find a way to scare us. but that really didn't work. all to say it was a good night/good morning. could not have asked for a better one. it made me remember all the good times i had at jason's house after plays and hanging out with all the college friends from church. good times.

peace

true friends

i think it was today with me thinking that i really realized who my true friends are. just will all the conversations that i have been having with friends. i realized that my mentor was more then a mentor. she is a true friend. when visiting her and having real conversations with her. they weren't just our normal conversations that we have. they had to do with senior year in high school, friends, teachers, dances. the stuff that we never really talked about. i think it really clicked that she was more then a mentor, she was a true friend.
i also really realized that i have a true best friend. she is the best ever. i mean, i would do anything for her. she means the world to me. even thought we have not know each other for a long time, i feel like she nows more about my life then my friend that i have had longer. she is always asking me how i am doing and telling me that she is by my side when ever i need her. i really have not had that kind of person in my life, besides my mentor. she really is my best friend. on my birthday she spent all day with me. none of my other friends have never done that for me. again, i LOVE her to death.
and today i figured out that i have another true friend that is dear to my heart. i have know her for a year. but i think that it was this summer that we both realized that we are both here for each other. she always has an open hear for me and i have the same for her. me and her could talk for hours about life and what we are going through or what we have gone through or even how we feel like we are growing. i am glad that she is sticking around. and that we are going to be having a little road trip in september. she's a keeper.

peace

hits of the summer

beach with the firends

skinboarding (well trying to)

ywam san francisco

walks around san francisco

new friends

true friends

random car ride

cool people

peace

summer

so the summer is coming to an end. it makes me o' so sad. i only wish i had more time for summer. but this summer has been so great. made friends with summer staff and built relationships with them. grow further with relationship i already had with some summer staff. met some really awesome campers and counselors. had fun tips to the beach every wednesday. had fun hanging out with the staff. even had fun being on summer staff for a week. had some bumps in the road with family but grow from them. had great conversations with people that i thought i would never have. had a fun little trip to san francisco to visit some friends and ended up makeing frineds on the way. the sos staff are so cool. when going to sf and thinking and meeting the sos, it was a good thing that i was not on staff. i would not have been able to meet the people that i did this summer. and i would not have been able to take my little trip to sf and when leaving figuring out that sf is my home and that i was leaving something really dear to my heart behind.
after praying to see if i should do a dts next year and having signs of dts come down my path and taking to sos people, i think sf is going to be my home.
the last week of camp was the best. met the most AMAZING people ever. i loved my team so much. sad now that program is over and staff have to pack up and leaving back home and to school. it makes me happy that some of them are going to be staying close. not sure what i would do with out some of them.

but i think that this fall is going to be a good. i feel like i am going to grow so much this year.

Peace

life

I was up in San Francisco from August 2-5. Had so much fun. Meet so many cool new people. All the SOS people are so cool. Had some realy cool conversations. It was really cool to be able to hang out with Tia and to talk to her again. I was so sad to leave. For some reason it was harder for me to leave this time, then it was when leaveing MA. Got onto the plane and felt like I was leaving something behind. It was starnge. I had not impact on anyone on the streets. I really didn't talk to them that much. When getting home I felt as if I wasn;t suppost to be back in Ventura. I packed up my car and then headed to FHOV for the week. When walking the prep-for-ministires, I felt like I again shouldn't be there. That night at chapel, I just broke down for some reason. I wasn't sure why. For the first time in my life I felt like Forrest Home Ojao Valley wasn't my home. It was all just starnge. It made me really start to think, is San Francisco were I am suppost to be? Maybe I should be doing a DTS?
This is what I think, go to VC for a year. Apply for a DTS in San Francisco (not sure which one yet) and see if I get in or not and then see what happens after that. But I have been told by a lot of people that a DTS would be really good for me. And the strange thing is I was praying one day to see what I should be doing in my life, if that was a DTS, going to school for 4 years, going up to Hume for Joshua. With in 2 days I got a call from Justine up at YWAM in San Francisco seeing if I had any questions about a DTS or if I wanted an application. So maybe that is my sign.
I guess I will just have to wait and see.

Peace